Zen and the art of Bicycle Crashing

Over the last several weeks I’ve learned something about the fine art of crashing one’s bicycle in style. There are essentially two ways to do it: either you have someone cause it, or you go all out and subscribe to the DIY school of bicycle crashing. I’m somewhat acquainted with the former, and extraordinarily skilled at the latter.

This black-and-white divide, however, really isn’t accurate. Once you get into the zen of it all, you realize that there really is a spectrum of possibilities ranging from the “it’s completely not my fault and I had nothing to do with it” style of crash through the “ok, so they did swerve in front of me but if only I’d not been hell-bent on riding their wheel I would have stayed upright” genre to the “ok, this has been a perfectly good ride thus far. What can I do to make it more exciting? Oh, I know! I’ll manufacture a crash!” grand denouement.

For those not well-versed in the art of crashing, here is the simple mantra:

1. First, you need to practice going into your special place. This is that zone where you feel like everything is under control, all is well with the ride and you don’t have to pay any conscious attention to what you’re doing, what lies ahead, or the terrain and road surface to the sides of you. With a little patience you can achieve this in mere seconds, even at high levels of exertion.
2. Once you have achieved oneness with your special place, much of the hard work is done and all good crashes will happen with minimal exertion. If you find you’re having difficulty achieving that perfect crash, you should try meditating while on the ride. Closing your eyes can help significantly.
3. Contrary to popular opinion, chanting doesn’t help. Exclamations of “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” really do nothing to enhance the crash and certainly doesn’t get one in the right mindset. However, there is anecdotal evidence that it does contribute to the the feeling of well being of the crasher after the event. If you absolutely must chant, a simple “Ummmmm, Ummmm, Ummmm” will suffice.

If you continue to have difficulty attaining that zen mindlessness, here are some practical examples and techniques that you can practice to aid you in your quest:

1. Ride slowly. Very slowly. Approach a stop sign and try to stop without unclipping. Let go of the handlebars with one hand, focusing on the smoothness with which you can topple over.
2. Pick a route that has roads with minimal shoulders and where there are large patches of dirt and gravel mere inches from the white line. Stare closely at those patches to the exclusion of anything else. If necessary, turn your head to look towards your right and down. Extra enlightenment can be achieved if you almost take your riding partner down with you, but if you can crash without them even noticing, then you have achieved mastery of the technique.
3. Have someone stage a car at a random point in the ride. When you arrive at that point, have the car ride on the wrong side of the road and gun it directly towards you. This works best if you’re riding someone’s wheel and focusing on that to the exclusion of everything else. In this case it is best to brief your partner and tell them to brake check you at the most unexpected time so that you can shitplow into their back wheel. This works best on narrow roads with no shoulder, a drop-off on the right and a moving van on the left, preventing all options of escape other than crashing.
4. Be distracted. Be very distracted. Especially after a ride with others where you’ve been avoiding potholes and cars while riding their wheels. Make sure that you’re within visual distance of home, because this is a powerful aid to mindlessness. Ride close to your riding buddy, but on their right hand side and ensure that you’re coming up to a bend to the  in the road where your riding buddy will need to turn into you. Just before this bend get distracted. Anything will serve as a distraction, but airplanes flying overhead are a powerful aid in this regard, particularly if they are to the left of you. Stare at the distraction until you are sure that you can identify it as a Cessna Citation 500. At this point you will be sure to ride into your riding partner’s rear wheel, virtually guaranteeing your crash and the destruction of your helmet.

Go forth and be one with the crash.