Religion: Sex, Lies and maybe some videotape

Over the last couple of days my dearly beloved and I have been yammering somewhat about religion. Over the course of those conversations I’ve come to the realization that religion is really all about sex, with the details being the chief differences between the religious denominations. This is what I have thus far:

1. Catholicism: You can only ever have sex with one person. If it’s an underage boy, all the better. If it’s by yourself, you need to say several “Hail Marys and Our Fathers”. Lather, rinse, repeat.

2. Protestant/Anglican: You can have sex with multiple people; however, only one person at a time.

3. Mormons: If you’re male, you should have sex with as many people as possible, but only if you’re married to them. If you’re female, you can only ever have sex with one person.

4. Jehovah’s Witnesses: You may as well have sex because you’re screwed anyway, but you’re not allowed to enjoy it. At all.

5.Cults: If you’re the leader of the cult, you get to have sex with anyone in the cult. If you’re not the leader and you’re a female, you get to have sex with the leader of the cult. And then maybe your husband. Or husbands.

6. Evangelical Covenant Church: No sex before marriage. No tampons, because tampons equal sex.

7. Judaism: It’s kinda like eating. Sex must be kosher, so blowjobs are only given to the circumsized. Damn.

8. Islam: If you’re a guy, go to another country and have as much sex as possible because when you’re married (and you will get married), everything stops.

9. Hindu: They wrote the book. Literally. Yay for the Kamasutra.

10. FLDS: Sex before marriage is ok, but only with the leader of the church. See #5 above.

11. Assembly of God: Sex is sacred and reserved for marriage. To convey that to children, teach and preach abstinence only. Abstinence, of course, applies only in the 48 contiguous states.

12. Seventh Day Adventists: No sex outside of marriage unless you decide to “accept Christ” after the act. Then you get a hallway pass: have sex, accept christ. Have sex again, accept christ again. And so on.